


no drug like me

by kiriya



Category: Kamen Rider Ex-Aid
Genre: Alternate Universe, D/s, Dirty Talk, Edge Play, Falling In Love, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Phone Sex, Polyamory, Sex Work, Size Kink, Voice Kink, but kiripara is the main ship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:55:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24460894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiriya/pseuds/kiriya
Summary: sometimes a simple problem calls for  a complicated solution.(OR the kiripara phone sex hotline au)
Relationships: Houjou Emu/Kujou Kiriya/Parad, Kujou Kiriya/Parad, past aihara jungo/kujou kiriya
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9





	no drug like me

**Author's Note:**

> ... is it really an ex-aid au if it's not super cursed and horny? 
> 
> [named after the carly rae jespen song of the same name](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVocX_uNTIU&ab_channel=CarlyRaeJepsen)

Kujo Kiriya has three problems. 

  1. He wants to get off, but can’t. At least not by himself.



He’s been trying for over an hour now. It doesn’t help that he’s twice as big as the average guy, and takes twice the effort for the same result. 

Sure, there’s porn to help, but that doesn’t come close to real sex. After a while, it all looks the same, and it just feels … Sterile. Can’t replace the intimacy of good sex. And Kiriya’s imagination, it sucks. Nothing fresh ever pops up, it’s just him rotating through the same three images that have lost their punch over the last couple years. 

  1. Kujo Kiriya can’t have sex. 



Which is to say, he  _ can _ have sex, but he gets in his head about it. Even guys in real life feel like a hollow replacement for what he once had, and even if he stopped the stupid nitpicks and comparsions to a dead guy, there are so few men who even know how to care for a package like his. It doesn’t seem worth it to try. 

  1. Not being able to come these past is making him tense. Irritable. A persistent annoyance, like an itch he can’t reach, or fly he can’t swat. 



(And underneath all that, Kiriya feels ... lonely. He would never call it that by that word, but he feels it, a weird sensation that claws at his chest from the inside out. It’s hard, floating through space without the one person who made him feel tethered.)

So, Kiriya calls a gay sex hotline for help. 

He’s lying in bed in his underwear, around eleven on Saturday night, with his phone wedged between his cheek and shoulder. He’s over the sheets, legs spread, with a half-used bottle of lube by his side. His dick’s only half-hard from playing with. He enters his bank card number into his phone while the operator redirects him to someone who can service him. 

The woman had asked Kiriya what he likes, but the truth is: he likes serving people, more than he likes getting served himself. Which won’t happen in a paid situation, so Kiriya just asked for the best they have, since he has more money in the bank then a guy with modest beginnings like himself knows how to spend. He doesn’t use the doctor paycheck to cash in for shallow commodities like Kagami does, with pretty assistants and a fancy stretch. 

(Kiriya really doesn’t like that guy)

“Name and kink.” The voice on the other end says, breaking through his thoughts. 

Kiriya sits up a little straighter. He feels hit by a bucket of ice water, like,  _ this is really happening. _

“Damn,” Kiriya murmurs. “You don’t beat around the bush, huh?”

Kiriya can hear the other man’s shrug in his tone, “It’s your money.” 

“Wow. Cheeky,” Kiriya replies, grinning into the phone like his heart isn’t going a thousand miles a minute. That’s his instinct — to make light of it when he’s nervous. Or sad. Or happy. Anytime, really. “Sorry,” he feels compelled to add. “I’m new at this.“ 

The man hasn’t said even five words to him, and already he feels so nervous. 

_ Pathetic.  _

… Isn’t why he called in the first place, though? It’s not like he has no nerve. Kujo Kiriya can cut open corpses like chicken without so much as a twitch, but the moment he thinks about getting his dick wet, he starts to come the hell apart.

He’s just dipping his toe in the pool of sex with-people-that-aren’t-Jungo, though. Right? He shouldn’t be getting so in his head. Water’s always freezing when you first get in. Then, you adjust.

“You don’t have to be nervous,” the voice says, snatching the thought from his head. 

Wow... Now that he focuses on it, the guy’s voice is sexy. Sexier than Kiriya thought it’d be. Nice and deep, with that extra sweet porn star lilt. Kiriya can’t believe it’s a real person. 

“What’s your name?” he asks. 

“Kagami,” Kiriya says, on impulse. It’s the fake name he gives pretty much everywhere he doesn’t want to get in trouble. “Shit, wait. No,” He doesn’t want to think about the stupid, spoiled, Genius Surgeon while he’s trying to relax.   
  
The voice on the other end of the phone laughs, “Who is that?” 

“Asshole boss,” he answers truthfully. When it comes to lies, he’s usually cool-under-fire, but it’s proving more difficult when his heartbeat is going louder than his thoughts. 

The stranger hums, as if to think. “How about I call you … Lazer?”    
  
“Sounds dumb,” But Kiriya decides to roll with it, ‘cause what else does he care, really? This is just a one time thing, to tide him over until he can actually fuck someone. “What do I call you?”    
  
“Whatever you want. You can even pretend I’m that mean boss of yours and give me orders...” 

“Ha. That pathetic asshole doesn’t deserve my cock, even if it’s fake.”   
  
“Then you can tell him so. I’ll beg so good for you, Lazer.” 

He snorts at how cheese-y that is. He’s not a guy known for his shame or anything like that, but how can anyone say that without being embarrassed? Still, the room feels a lot warmer than it did a moment ago. The air, thicker. 

“Yeah, I don’t think so…”

“That’s okay. I have lots of different games I could play with you. Just tell me what it is you like.”

“... I’m not sure, to be honest.”

The man’s tone is full of doubt, “Aren’t you? All men have preferences, even if they’re scared to admit it to themselves. You can tell me. I’m a stranger.”   
  
Kiriya huffs a laugh, shifts the phone a little closer to his mouth. The way the operator says that, like there’s a base kinda animal inside him, waiting to be let out. C’mon. Scared? Not him. No one does his job without acknowledging somewhat of a dark side, right?

“Better hurry,” the voice snips. “I bore easy.” 

Kiriya shakes his head. 

“You got lots of attitude, huh? I like that in a guy.” Kiriya flirts. And really, he does. It’s rare to find anyone willing to keep up with him, and it enhances the experience actually feeling attracted to this guy, even if it’s just to his voice and the little bit of personality he’s hearing. 

“I have an idea, then,” the operator says.

“Yeah? What’s that?” 

“You’re gonna give me orders, but I’m not gonna do what I’m told. You have to make me. How does that sound, Lazer?” 

What a shitty nickname. Still, the idea has him curious, 

“... Is that what you like?” He can get into that, easy. 

“Maybe.” 

“Alright, then.” 

Kiriya can hear a pout, “You can get a little more excited than that, can’t you?” 

“Yeah. No more questioning me, or there’ll be hell to pay.” 

“Oh?” The operator says, like Kiriya’s gone and excited him. Kiriya takes a deep breath, and starts to rub the heel of his palm over his clothed cock. “What will you do to me if I don’t listen?”

Right... What  _ will _ he do? 

“I’m waiting,” the voice says, sounding more amused than impatient. 

All the stress med school put him under, and he’s never felt this nervous before. Kiriya starts stroking, slow, and takes one more deep breath.

“I won’t let you come,” he decides. 

“I could,” the voice replies casually. “And there’d be nothing you could do about it.” 

“Nah…. You won’t get my cock if you do that, and I know how greedy you are for it.”    
  
“Mmm… I feel so empty without you, Lazer,” he moans, like he really believes it. And so does Kiriya, the way the stranger’s voice makes his blood warm. It’s so rich, so deep, there’s just something about it that’s inherently sensual. Like he was made to do this job. “The way you fill me up, it’s so good.”

“Hey now, brat, I have to get you ready…”

“Mmm… How about I suck your cock first? Sit on your thighs, run my hands down your stomach. Doesn’t that feel good, Lazer?”

“What did I just say about questioning me?” He asks. But the premise sounds so good, his confidence shaking. He can already picture it, a head of dark hair between his thighs, wet hot mouth gripping his cock on all sides… 

“Mmm, but you want it, don’t you? I can already tell how bad you want me,” he says, making something inside Kiriya start to shake. “I promise I’ll make you feel good. It’s my job to make you come, after all…” 

Kiriya closes his eyes and tries to feel it. can The ghost of soft, smooth hands running down his body… And the guy’s voice is so sexy, he could talk about how paint dries and Kiriya would still be turned on.

He wets his palm with more lube, rubs it all over the head of his cock and starts going a bit faster.

“You could put your hands in my hair,” he’s saying. “Guide me all up and down your wet cock … Tell me how good that feels.”

“Don’t stop talking,” Kiriya sighs. 

“Mmm. I could go even lower. Play with you using my tongue. Suck each of your balls into my mouth while I jerk you off,” Kiriya groans, and the other man chuckles, so rich and sexy and deep. “Are you touching yourself yet?”

“Yeah.” 

“How?”

“Stroking myself…”

“Just stroking yourself? That’s a little boring, right? Put a thumb in your ass or something...”

“Shut up, brat.”

He chuckles. “Are you going slow? Fast?” 

“Fast.”

“Good! Keep going, up and down. You know what your cocks likes, don’t you? And so do I, the way I suck you off.” 

“Don’t want that...”

“You don’t?”

“Nah. Wanna fuck you. ‘S gonna hurt too, how big I am. You can take it though, right?” 

Kiriya can practically picture the operator batting his eyelashes, “Yes, Lazer.”

“Good boy.” 

“Only for you,” he sighs, and Kiriya tilts his head back, uses his other hand to get a good grip on his balls. 

“Mmm, you’re so big and thick,” he continues. “I feel so full.”

Kiriya plays with his imagination. Inside, there’s a tall, pale body, bent over in his bed with him. Long legs, a perky ass on slim hips, “Yeah. Fuck. You’re  _ so _ good. Look so pretty taking my cock.” 

“Are you going to come inside me? Please... I’ve been so good for you.” 

Yeah. Kiriya squeezes his cock, and he can feel it, the other man’s ass gripping his cock tight. “Nah. Not done with you. Still fucking you. Putting my cock in you, all the way. Gonna fuck you until you shout, baby.” 

The guy whimpers into the phone, and Kiriya wets the head of his cock with more lube, and starts jerking himself off at a break-neck pace. By now, there’s pre-cum dripping sticky all over his fingers, easing the friction between his strokes and making the most obscene wet sounds... 

Kiriya’s skin is so hot right now, making his chest flushed and dew-y with sweat. He imagines a wet hole stretching to accommodate his thick cock, taking him to the hilt _ ,  _ him railing it in the best way he knows how. The impressive display of noises the operator makes are perfect thing to aid the fantasy, Kiriya could believe he’s really fucking him. Face down on the mattress. Right in front of him, here in this bed. 

“That’s it, let me hear it,” Kiriya urges, and it’s followed by even louder moaning: 

“Ah,  _ Lazer _ .”

God, he’s so close, he doesn’t even care how stupid that nickname sounds.

He’s almost forgotten what this felt like, it’s been so long. Last time he tried to get this close, his wrist cramped before he could get anywhere meaningful. He can hear his own breathing getting louder and frantic as he chases that white-hot splitting sensation... He wants it so bad, so close to the edge… 

The operator must hear him enjoying himself, because he asks, “How long do you think you can last, Lazer?” 

Kirya breathes real hard into the receiver. Answer enough.

“Come for me, then.”

And he does. legs and hips twitching as he loses more control of himself. The force this fucking orgasm has, setting his nerves on fire like a dynamite wick that starts between his legs and ends at the tips of his toes. 

_ … Holy shit _ . Did he just come on command? Obviously he did, the evidence is right in front of his eyes, cock wet and shiny and cum pooled on his abs. So much for going slow. That couldn’t have been more than a few minutes. Kiriya’s breathing is still shaky and loud, probably making the call crack, but the voice on the other end has gone quiet. 

“Thanks,” Kiriya says into the void, ‘cause it’s the only thing his fuck-fried brain can think of.  
  


The hotline is just chipper, “Have a nice night, Lazer.”

  
The call disconnects, leaving Kiriya with nothing but the sound of his own breathing. 

**Author's Note:**

> sorry to any hiiro fans reading this for my mean comments. 
> 
> don't forget to kudos and leave a comment if it's nice! fic is mostly done, but it'll keep me motivated to update on a weekly schedule. planning to post every sunday!


End file.
